Daughter of Sorrow

Here is a poem I wrote when I first was having trouble with the meth cooks in the apartment complex where I used to live.  I had revised it a little to get it published in the  Write around Portland  Anthology a year ago.  A lot has changed since then.  I read that poem today and still think it would be relevant for others in their trials today.

 

 

I've learned so much since writing this poem.  I realized that there is a better tomorrow.  I know that if I kept pressing into God and praying, then I'd have my victory.  The meth cooks are still in our neighborhood, but I'm more free, because I learned that faith is bigger than emotion.  It goes Faith, Fact, and then emotion.  Faith, fact, and then feeling.  The devil can mess with the emotions, so if you cling to the facts and believe for things to get better, it will happen.  It might not be in the expected, obvious ways.  God is so Good.

 

I just hope that I can use this blog to encourage people, and to talk about real faith, real belief, instead of canned religion and cliché.  That's my heart.  We'll also talk about fun things.  Too much heavy is even too much for me. 

 

Here's the poem.

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Daughter of Sorrow

Sean Ray

Independent Living Resources

 

I come in here to write, and I'm so filled with fright. Anger, sadness, and searing sorrow threatens to cut my heart to pieces!  Do I dare question the Lord? He is the one I'm supposed to bow before. Yet, I feel he's not with me anymore. Where are you Father when I need you the most? I need you and your angels to stand at the sentry post. I'm crying out to you and I receive the land of empty promises. The promises that are sure to me are non-acceptance, terror, and control. Multiple molten mountains could not even contain my anger. Then I ask for a torrential rain storm of relief, and receive a half hearted hopeful drizzle. Is it me who is so full of unbelief? Then, I morn for the hope that has once more abated me. Alas! I want to be free!!

 

My heart cries out with inward screams and shouts. Yet, this huge trial threatens to take me out. I struggle to carry the load that threatens to pull me deep into fear and doubt.

 

Oh Mighty one, I weep, there are too many nights of fretful lost sleep. The thugs that hunt us follow their leader like sheep. This morning I weep as things are so dark and bleak. I sing a sad song for what has gone so terribly wrong. My sadness is so great, Their criminal bondage seems to have sealed our fate. From their clutches, thoughts and actions, I long to escape. In vain I tried to sing sweet songs of the Redeemer and His love and faith, but their hearts refused to hear or participate. I tried desperately to reach out and love, but it was so much easier to hate. Now my heart is sadder still than when it was bursting with anger and hate.

 

So, Master, I tried to love and cast all my cares to you above, but oh such sorrow for even my love was a waste. The bitter tears I now taste for the angry judgment made in haste. May they never remove the seeds from their hearts that you have placed. Oh my heart cries out with such sorrow, yet faithfully hopes for a better tomorrow.

 

Oh Precious Lord, the one I bow before with the crystal crooks, I can't compete. You are the only one who is really there for me, so I wonder,  can it be that going through death is sweet? I would be with you and in you complete.

 

I do want to live, because I have so much I want to give. Shall my life be cut short, because of what won't thwart? How long will you leave me to suffer? I don't know what more I can utter.

 

Great Spirit, hold my hand as I walk through the crystal-like sinking sand, with me everywhere you promised to go, but I feel so desperate and alone. Mere words cannot possibly express my complete sorrow and unhappiness.

 

I'm not into conflict like this. Reading a book, singing happy songs, and tandem bike rides are what I miss. I like a walk in the park or roasting marshmallows just as it gets dark. I long for the life filled with laughter, kisses and hugs – It's fun to only read about hiding from thugs. I may not have the white picket fence life, but I'm happy to be a wife.

 

I do know that we live in reality where life can be living hell for me. Oh, how I long to be free and far away from the cavern of misery – yet it seems to draw ever closer to me. It's like the trench that opens up underground to swallow its struggling victims down. Oh Father, I ask to be free from all this hate and animosity. Oh Great King, on this treacherous path I grow discouraged and weary. Is this what you want for me? What awful thing have I done that my very life should no longer have any happiness or fun?  I no longer can walk my dog independently lest someone snatch him away from me. He helps make my life bright. I feel bad for him as he is also a poisoned innocent victim. It's not right!  I no longer want this jaded life full of tension and fright. Oh, that you would make the heavy burden of the hanging crystal cauldron go away. Can you hear your daughter of sorrow pray?

 

Oh Mountain mover, it is true – With this hardship I am through. If you want me to live, then I need some desperate help, but if you want me with you, please spare me the rest of the tour of Hell, Quietly take me away and with you I will forever dwell. That's all I have to say, That's all I have left in me to pray. I've had enough of this heavy and crooked desperation today, and I'm too weak to live this way. You might have had enough of me, but please hear my final plea. If I could have but one wish granted or one prayer answered, it would be to take this ice epidemic away from this state. So be it.

 

 

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